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Food Science Babe: The exclusive interview with Facebook Karen

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Facebook Karen is one of the decade’s most iconic social media influencers. From her stances on food and medicine to her perspective on some of society’s most complex policy issues, Facebook Karen enthusiastically engages audiences daily across the social media giant. She is also one of the most referenced personalities on the platform, often cordially being tagged to mind her own business or told that “that’s not how it works.” Still, Karen sticks to her guns, eager to get her message out.

To help kick off the month of April, I had the opportunity to sit down with Facebook Karen and talk with the self-proclaimed foodie, who says she only eats chemical-free food. Here’s our discussion:

Food Science Babe: Hi Karen, it’s nice to meet you. What’s that you’re drinking?

Facebook Karen: Oh hi. I just got done with hot yoga and bought this organic celery juice after my workout. I’m on a cleanse, so I go to hot yoga to sweat out my toxins and then drink celery juice to further help get all of the toxic chemicals out of my body. My favorite doctor, the Medical Medium, says that celery juice can heal your body of pretty much anything … even cancer, and he’s psychic, so obviously he knows more than “real” doctors. My friend actually cured her cancer just by drinking celery juice — this stuff really is the best! Most all of these doctors are just shills for Big Pharma, making money off of everyone being sick all of the time. Do you know that each doctor makes $1,000 off of every vaccination they give? It’s true … I heard it on Dr. Oz, and he’s an actual doctor.

FSB: No, doctors are definitely not getting rich off of vaccinations, but they are saving lives. So, the Medical Medium doesn’t make any money off of what he’s doing? Did you buy his book?

Karen: OMG yeah … I bought two copies of each of his books so I could hand them out to people who need to hear the TRUTH. The TRUTH is out there … you just need to know how to do your research. I’ve spent three months Googling all of these things, so I definitely know more than any scientist or doctor. Their schooling is paid for by Big Ag and Big Pharma, so they never learned the real TRUTH.

FSB: Hmm … sounds like you have a solid education on all of these topics. Also, I’m a little worried … are your kidneys and liver not working properly?

Karen: Well yeah, why?

FSB: Oh, well that’s all you need in order to detox your body. No amount of yoga or celery juice is going to help your organs do their job.

Karen: OMG are you kidding me? I can’t imagine the amount of toxic sludge that’s just sitting in your body if you’ve never done a cleanse. Did you know your intestines can hold up to 30 pounds of toxic waste?

FSB: No, no, that’s absolutely not true.

Karen: Yeah, my holistic nutritionist told me that. She sells these amazing supplements that get rid of all of the toxins in your body. She also sells these supplements that get rid of glyphosate in your body. I take those daily. Can you believe that toxic chemical is in EVERYTHING? I don’t eat anything with chemicals. I only eat clean foods.

FSB: Oh, so you don’t eat then?

Karen: Well yea I eat — duh. But I only eat whole, organic, non-GMO foods. None of that poison stuff for me.

FSB: Ok, so what do you think GMOs are and why do you avoid them?

Karen: Why do I avoid them? Are you serious? They are pure poison! They are created by Monsanto who works with Big Pharma to make people sick so that they can all make money. They profit off of everyone being sick. Wake up sheeple!! They are filled with chemicals and aren’t even real food. I accidentally ate a GMO at a friend’s house once, and I could immediately taste it. I spit it out so fast. Why would you eat food sprayed with toxic poisons when you can eat chemical-free food? Roundup is the most toxic chemical on the planet, and they spray it on EVERYTHING. It’s even in wine and beer! Did you know that’s the reason why people can’t eat wheat? It’s not because of gluten at all. It’s because the GMO wheat is doused in glyphosate! Can you believe that? I know that’s why I can’t eat wheat here in the U.S. When I go to Europe I can eat wheat just fine, but when I eat it here, I immediately feel sick and get a horrible migraine and break out in a rash and cluck like a chicken. I never get a hangover when I drink wine there either. It’s obviously because of the GMOs and toxic chemicals in our foods here in the U.S. Nobody seems to care about food safety here — definitely not the government!

FSB: Well, there actually isn’t any commercially available GMO wheat, so it must be all in your head. Also, you’re not getting a hangover from glyphosate in your wine. You’re probably just dehydrated from all of the cleansing. Why are you worried about glyphosate, which has not been scientifically shown to cause cancer, being in a known carcinogen — alcohol?

Karen: You have no idea what you’re talking about. OMG you must work for Monsanto. I can’t believe you’re defending pesticides. Do you honestly think pesticide free food isn’t better for you? Glyphosate literally kills plants, obviously we shouldn’t be eating it. Did you know that Monsanto created corn that literally has pesticides put into its DNA. It makes bugs’ stomachs explode. That can’t be good for us to eat.

FSB: Organic and non-GMO foods have pesticide residues, too, and they are no safer or healthier than conventional foods. Do you eat apple cider vinegar or chocolate?

Karen: OMG YES. I use organic, unfiltered, raw, non-GMO apple cider vinegar for literally everything! I take a shot of it every morning, afternoon, and night, and even use it as an all-natural mouthwash! And yes, I love dark chocolate. I eat one square of organic, gluten free, vegan, non-GMO, dairy free dark chocolate after dinner. Why?

FSB: Oh, just the fact that apple cider vinegar can kill plants, and chocolate can kill dogs, so it must be bad for us to eat, right?

Karen: Those things are natural, and pesticides are toxic chemicals made in a lab, so obviously that’s not the same at all.

FSB: Actually, it is very similar. You have a very bad case of chemophobia it seems.

Karen: I’m not sure what being scared of chemo has to do with anything, but you can keep all the toxins for yourself. Have fun eating chemicals.

FSB: Everything is made of chemicals. Are you also unnecessarily worried about small amounts of naturally occurring formaldehyde in foods such as apples and pears? Are you concerned about pesticide residues on organic foods? Are you concerned about the pesticides that plants naturally produce themselves? The dose makes the poison.

Karen: OK, whatever, I buy organic apples, so they don’t have formaldehyde, obviously. I can taste the difference, and I just feel healthier and superior to everyone else when I eat organic. I can literally taste the chemicals if it’s not organic, so you can’t convince me with your Big Ag propaganda.

FSB: Literally everything you’ve ever tasted is chemicals.

Karen: OK, well I may not have the same “education” as you or be a “scientist,” but my mom works with a woman who’s husband drives a truck for a guy that is married to a lady who once talked on the phone with a guy that got cancer from using Roundup, so I don’t care what the science says — the junk obviously causes cancer. Why would so many countries ban it if it wasn’t bad? I know a lot of people with a lot of medical issues, and they don’t eat organic foods, so I know that a lot of issues can happen from eating poison.

FSB: I’m sorry to hear about the random guy that got cancer, but there is no evidence that Roundup causes cancer, and just because a country bans it means absolutely nothing. Also, like I said before, the dose makes the poison. Literally anything can be poisonous at a large enough dose — even water!

Karen: I seriously can’t believe what I’m hearing. I thought you believed in the same things I do. You are obviously not who I thought you were. You are a lobbyist shill, and I’m done listening to your BS. Imma go now.

FSB: Oh … wait … did you think I was Food Babe? Oops … that’s awkward. Well, thanks for sticking around anyways. Good luck trying to avoid chemicals, Karen!

 

Food Science Babe is the pseudonym of an agvocate and writer who focuses specifically on the science behind our food. She has a degree in chemical engineering and has worked in the food industry for more than decade, both in the conventional and in the natural/organic sectors.

 

Tags: satire, april fools, facebook, gmos, organic, cleanse, food science
Any views or opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not reflect those of AGDAILY. Comments on this article reflect the sole opinions of their writers.